


i wrote a letter (it never reached you)

by kunclipse (princemin)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Childhood Friends to Strangers, Heartbreak, Lee Taeyong-centric, M/M, best friends to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 10:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25848322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princemin/pseuds/kunclipse
Summary: Taeyong could never forget about the waiting. When weeks turned to months which turned to a year. Such a long time for one’s heart to break in. Pieces chipping away day by day. Two years and four more letters later, every single one of them more pathetic than the last, Taeyong finally accepted that he wasn’t going to get one back.And he never did.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 13
Kudos: 23





	i wrote a letter (it never reached you)

**Author's Note:**

> Listened to Flower Face all day, got inspired and wrote this in a single evening turned to night.
> 
> I definitely recommend listening to [Angela](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xmDUSyP268) while reading this!
> 
> I hope you like it <3

The street lights flickered on, lighting up the quickly settling darkness around the lone bus stop at the far edge of the city. Taeyong’s breath slipped past his lips as shapeless smoke, dissipating into the air and leaving him alone once more. He stared down the snowy road, waiting, as an odd feeling settled into his chest, slowly but surely. He brought a hand up to rub it over his heart as if the warmth of the friction could cast away the dull pain that he was feeling.

Frowning, Taeyong swallowed against the burning behind his eyes. He wasn’t unfamiliar with random bouts of sadness but this felt different, more focused. Yet, at the same time, he couldn’t figure out why he was feeling this way. He’d had a good day, taking a long bus ride to the next city over to visit Johnny and congratulating him on his engagement. He’d met Kun for the first time, but they already got along great and Taeyong knew he would treat Johnny well. 

It did make him feel a little hollow that all the people he knew already had someone to share their life with, be it romantically or platonically. Even Mark, who was living with four other boys and dating at least some of them, if not all. Taeyong had never found the need to ask, his cousin was happy and that was what mattered. But the small hollowness that Taeyong’s loneliness caused, it didn’t really bother him. He enjoyed being by himself and he had people in his life who he loved and who loved him back. He was content with a small and empty apartment. Maybe, if so were to happen, he would be content with sharing it with someone else in the future.

So why was he standing alone at a snowy bus stop lit up by a single street light, feeling like his chest was caving in, unsure if the sadness he was feeling was his own or someone else’s? He looked up to the sky and was met with a darkening colour and scattered stars. When he came to the realization that the moon was nowhere to be seen, a wave of  déjà-vu ran through his whole body. 

_ Oh. _ He remembered now, why there was a black hole of feelings in his chest. And, as it turned out, it was both his and not his. It was the heartbreak of Taeyong from exactly ten years ago, on a snowy night with a moonless sky, by a different bus stop. It was a heartbreak he had healed from, a long time ago, but one that liked to come back to haunt him from time to time, carving the words ‘what if’ on his chest and leaving it aching.

He remembered staring after a bus as it drove away with one of the things - the people - he lived for the most, loved the most. He remembered looking up to the sky and its stars to keep the tears brimming in his eyes from falling, but not doing anything about it when they escaped from the corners of his eyes and wetted his ears anyway. He remembered clutching onto a piece of paper with a new, unfamiliar address on it like it was his lifeline.

Most of all, Taeyong remembered writing a letter and pouring his heart out onto the pages. He had picked up the two halves of it, dipped his pen inside them and written down his words with the heartache that was pouring out of every small crevice of his pathetic, cut-in-half heart. He had been honest about his feelings, for the first time since he had realized the depth of them. He had been full of longing and so terrified it felt like his soul was shaking for weeks after he had sealed his letter, wrote down the address with the utmost care and taken it to the post office.

Taeyong could never forget about the waiting. When weeks turned to months which turned to a year. Such a long time for one’s heart to break in. Pieces chipping away day by day. Two years and four more letters later, every single one of them more pathetic than the last, Taeyong finally accepted that he wasn’t going to get one back.

And he never did.

Shuddering from the vividness of the memories, Taeyong took in a deep breath. The coldness of the air he inhaled felt like pins and needles inside his lungs but it helped him ground himself. The past was the past. Taeyong had fallen in love with his childhood best friend, never found the courage to tell him until it was too late and he moved away, to the other side of the country. He was too late and he had no one but himself to blame. He had long grown past the bitter feeling he used to have about unanswered love confessions scribbled on messy notebook papers and stuffed into an envelope too big for them. He had learned to cherish the memories of a precious friendship and the bloom of first love without letting the worst parts of it turn everything to ashes.

With a small smile on his face, Taeyong counted the stars in the sky. One for the hands that had offered him a shovel and a bucket. Two for the sandcastle they had built together. Three for losing his first teeth when he’d tripped during a race to the swings. Four for the scratched up knees he had helped to patch up countless times. Five for sitting next to each other in class through every single school year. Six for having been each other's first kiss, touches as shy as butterflies. Seven for having tried out for the football team just to make him smile. Eight for their first fight, about Taeil who just wanted to be a friend to them both. Nine for sleepovers spent making ramen in the middle of the night and trying not to wake up anyone else. Ten for having taken different people to the dance but ending up spending most of the night together, filled with dancing and laughter and touching, all tender hues of silver and gold, like confetti.

When Taeyong finally let his gaze fall from the sky, he was nearly blinded by the headlights of a car, driving down the road, a little faster than was probably allowed. He buried his nose inside his scarf to warm it up. It always seemed to turn red if he stayed outside in the cold too much. He remembers bright laughter and an amused voice making fun of him for it.

The car was just a few meters ahead of him when Taeyong’s eyes met the driver's gaze and time seemed to slow down, for just one single moment that pulled the breath from his lungs like a kitten playing with a ball of string.  _ Oh _ .  _ He’s back. _

Yuta looked so much different, but all the same anyway. His hair was now bleached blonde and even longer than the brown locks that he used to have. There were plenty more piercings in his ears and his eyes were wide in surprise, much like Taeyong’s. He was even more beautiful than he used to be. No, Taeyong wasn’t in love with him anymore, hadn’t been for many years. But the best friend he had grown up with still had his own place in Taeyong’s heart and would continue to, for as long as it was to beat.

The moment went on, the car passed Taeyong and kept on driving. Taeyong balled his hands into fists where they were buried into the pockets of his coat. A screeching sound made him flinch and the car came to a halt, skidding slightly on the icy road before stopping entirely. There was a lump in Taeyong’s throat, big enough to keep him from opening his mouth and taking in a breath. 

The driver’s door opened.

(Yuta had been 16 when he had moved away from his hometown and the boy he was in love with. He had stared out of the back window of the bus at Taeyong’s retreating, hunched frame, tears falling down his cheeks. ‘Don’t forget me,’ he’d told him before leaving. ‘I don’t think I ever could,’ Taeyong had answered, voice wavering.

Yet, Taeyong never wrote to him. Yuta waited for weeks, for months, until he thought of writing Taeyong first. But if the other didn’t want to keep in touch, Yuta would respect that, even if he had to carve his own heart out of his chest and walk all over it to do so.)

**Author's Note:**

> Please know that kudos and even the shortest and silliest of comments are greatly appreciated ^_^
> 
> My [twitter!](https://twitter.com/kunclipse)


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